All Hail Bollywood!

A few days ago I saw a movie Green Zone, based on the post-Iraq War period. I was discussing the movie with a friend of mine, and out of nowhere we started thinking how the movie would be like if Bollywood directed it!

For those who haven’t seen the movie: Based in post war Baghdad, the story is about a Chief Military Officer (the hero) who, along with his Iraqi Interpreter Freddie, is set upon finding the truth about the weapons of mass destruction (WMDs) supposedly hidden by Saddam’s Government. A (female) Wall Street Journal Correspondent stationed in Baghdad is on the same trail. Inside Story: The Pentagon’s man in Baghdad (the villain) has already been told by Al Rawi, Saddam’s right hand man, that there are no WMDs whatsoever in Iraq anymore. However, the truth is being cautiously hidden from all, and the search for WMDs is now just pretence to establish American leadership in an Oil rich country.

So, if this story was to be made in Bollywood:

1. The movie will actually be a love story set in the background of a war that shook the world.

2. The Pentagon guy (a sleek figure in the actual movie) would be a dangerous looking man, with a huge moustache and a booming voice. Villains have to be scary, see!!

3. The hero’s entrance will be amidst great fanfare; perhaps we will see him as he comes out alive and untouched from a gory fight and lots of gunshots. How else will the people understand that he is the hero?!?

4. Being the only female far and wide in the actual movie, the Wall Street Journal correspondent will be the heroine. She will enter in clothes fitting a fashion model, her hair blowing in the wind and all eyes turning to look at her. She would be the epitome of beauty, and yet a karate champion, of course the best journalist in the world, and oh yes, also a tomboy. Otherwise, why would anyone watch the movie, huh?

5. Every time the hero and heroine meet, there will be eye contact, and awkward moments, followed by a romantic music as they go away from each other.

6. After the hero comes back from the heroine’s room, in the night both the hero and the heroine will lie in their beds, thinking about each other. There will be a song, in which they both will be together in almost every part of the world, changing the dress up every 20 seconds. And for some reason, the lyrics of the song sung by the hero and by the heroine will be the same, though they are so far away.

7. Sometime during or before the final adventure, there will be a ‘Maa’ scene. However, seeing as the hero’s and heroine’s moms are in the US, Freddie’s mom will come to the rescue. She would have lost her husband in the war, but will be brave enough to egg her son on for the country’s good.

8. There will also be a woman whom Freddie loves, perhaps his wife, but she will be a silent woman, loving him from the shadows. Sometimes, love is beyond words…

9. There will be at least 4-5 out of place songs in the movie, including a qawwali, which will inspire the hero, and an item song, to give people one more reason to watch the movie.

10. The villain will laugh boisterously at the hero every time they meet. A boisterous laugh for no reason signifies evil.

11. Somehow the heroine will get caught up in the final fight. Either she will be kidnapped (the villain knows everything!), or she wouldn’t be able to sit still while the love of her life is facing mortal dangers (ahh love…)

12. The hero would be badly injured in the final fight, but he will think of the heroine, and manage to stand up again and fight back (ahh love… again..!)

13. The punch line of the movie by Freddie – “You don’t get to decide what happens in this country” – won’t be one single line. It will be one long speech, which he will have the time to deliver even during the urgency of the fight. Also the last line of his speech will have the name of the movie somewhere.

14. The name of the movie would be changed to something much less sensible than Green Zone.

15. In the end when the hero will mail the truth about Pentagon to everyone, the heroine will see the mail, blush, hesitate, and then run out to meet the hero. The hero, knowingly, will be waiting for her with open arms. She will fall into his arms, they would embrace, the world will revolve around them, and that, dear friends, would be the happy ending: D

Hats Off to Bollywood!